bittersweet.

My heart is in about 50 different places tonight.

It's with my still-grieving relatives in Ohio. It's in AL with this one kid who only God knows what will come out of our relationship. It's in Michigan, Tennessee, Florida, Ohio, St. Louis, and West Virginia with some of the closest 'new' friends God blessed me with at Lee. It's at Lee. It's here at home at church. It's with 5 of the most precious girls in the world, 1 of which who is in Korea and it's possible I'll never see her on this Earth again (although it is one of my biggest desires at this point, because of circumstances we were unable to get an official 'good-bye' and exchanging of e-mails etc.). It's with 4 of the most amazing girl friends any girl could ever possibly ask for. It's with my dear friends at DCHS who I get to celebrate their graduation with in a few weeks. It's with two of the greatest guy friends I could ever imagine being blessed with.

I'm not really sure how I feel about this whole post-first-year-college thing. When people ask me if I liked it or if I had a good year I don't know what to say either. There is so much internal dialogue and conflict going on. So much I'm not sure about. Even knowing where I'll be in the fall. I feel like instead of taking a step forward towards my calling, career, spouse, etc. I've taken a step slightly back and then pushed the pause button.

I have no idea what God's up to, but I know this: I want to walk in a manner that's worthy of the calling He's given to me, I want to walk in a manner worthy of the Gospel. He rescued me when He didn't have to. He loves me when I don't obey Him. He stoops down to make me great. I was bought with a price. I'll live forever one day with Him.

Tonight I just wish I was sitting on a front porch swing, rocking my baby and sitting next to my sister-in-laws while they rock their babies, talking about how they are 'so big' and beautiful. I wish we were all together, the whole families just eating a meal together, playing cards, with all the kids running around laughing being friends. I wish that was tonight. Sometimes it seems like those days will never come.

Oh, waiting. It will ALWAYS be the hardest part.