honestly or vulnerbility...your pick.

I feel like every time I've sat down to write this [it's been at least 4 times this week] I type and re-type and eventually just erase. So here goes nothing?

Doubting. Questions. Wondering. Confusion. Unbelief. Discouragment. Poor Attitudes. Lack of confidence/assurance. Basically all these words sum up the last two weeks for me. It's in all areas too. Family, school, faith, friendships. It's that weakness that doesn't seem to be the "good" kind. That kind that leads you to nothing but the Cross with nothing but you on your knees crying out to Him. Not that kind of weak. The kind of weak that makes you feel susceptible to the attacks of the Enemy. The kind of weak where you give in to the attacks of the Enemy. And it left [or maybe, continues to leave] me wondering what to do about it. "These" kind of times are normal in walking with the Lord. With being in highschool and closing one chapter and opening another. It's just normal. It happens. But, I've never really taken all that much to figure out what to do about it....what to do to try to fix it. So, as often as the Lord works in this way, I got to thinking and He got to working on sending people my way with deep words of assurance. And to be honest [or vulnerable...] I don't even know what I wanted to be assured of. I have amazing friendships. Amazing leadership opportunites. Plenty of sources of encouragement and truth [The Word...devotionals...past journals...old letters]. An undescribable family. Yet, there was still that weakness/need of assurance hole in my heart.

It was then [and even now] that God began to do something in my heart. It's werid the way that even the little things....even the everyday, ordinary things take on such magnificent significance. It was a text message from a friend saying "How are you Hannah? I feel likeGod wants you to know He's WITH you." It was these 5 precious girls who through praying and [prayerfully] encouraging them my heart was deeply touched. It was these precious children....their innocence and love and child-like faith. It was those things I overlook almost everyday, but they meant something...

I find it very ironic, but as I'm sitting here writing this, the song by Daniel Beddingfield, Gotta Get Through This came on...now, although nothing in the song has to do with this except that phrase...it really sums out my response to things. I just think how I can get through it the quickest with the least emotional and spiritual battle possible. I feel like if I just get through times like this everything will snap back into being great and I will forget about all the rest. But I realized something. If it weren't for these times, as difficult they may be, what would be so great about those times? What would be so great about the simple things in life if there weren't moments when things weren't that way? Optimistic? Very much so. But this isn't just a "oh, pessismic okay things will get better" It's the way God works. He needs us to experience the low points. Not the giving into temptation. Not the getting deeper in sin. But the low times. The times when literally, just getting through isn't the point. The point is coming through when you've gone through the trials and coming out stronger. Standing firm. Because oh how much easier it is to just give up. Maybe I don't really have a point. Maybe I do and it hasn't come across clear. Really, I just hope this will touch someone. Just one is enough for me. Hallelujah, praise be to the Savior.

By standing firm you will gain life.
-Luke 21:19-